Raising a Damaad

Damaad is the word for son-in-law in the Urdu language.  In the South Asian culture damaads are often treated like royalty. From my observation society treats the roles of a daughter in law (bahoo) very different from the son -in-law (damaad).  My thoughts derive from experiences, observations and maybe Pakistani dramas.
Although  this post may not describe everyones experience, I know that many people know of cases or can empathize with the double standards in our culture (at least most bahoos)Traditionally South Asian mothers raise their daughters to fit into the new family she goes into, and to treat her new family the way she treats her own.  However, when it comes to a son, I don’t think the mother instills those same values in him.

We mentally prepare daughters to embrace going into their husband’s new home which is their “real” home.  They must win the hearts of every single creature living inside the house, yes even the Jinn.

As the new bahoo in the family you are expected to delight your in-laws with your cooking, amuse them with your personality, be the first to help out and the last to sit down, beautify yourself with the finest clothing and of course adorn the gold with the newly wed-bride look.  You are expected to keep them before your plans and sometimes even before your family.

Expectations for the Daamad? Well lets just put it this way:

Do not swear/abuse/degrade your wife
Do not start arguments with your in laws,
Do not have a bad mood in their presence
Exchange a few smiles here and there
Show up to family dinners every now and then
= BAM you have yourself a great son-in-law.

Virtually no effort is required and all they have to do is meet the bare minimum requirements for a decent human being.  They do not have to go out of their way for their in-laws or even make an effort to take part in family discussions nor stay in touch for that matter.

They have to ‘not be bad’ in order to be considered good whereas a daughter-in-law has to be outstanding in order to be considered somewhat good!

I have a son, which now gives me the added responsibility of raising him to be that one heck of a darn good SON-IN-LAW.

Insha’Allah, I will teach him to make an effort to fit in with his new family, help them and maintain a high level of akhlaq in their presence. He should get involved in family discussions and find solutions to their problems and dilemmas.  It is not just about giving their daughter the bare rights but rather giving her the utmost happiness alongside being a good person to his in-laws.

He should be thankful for the hospitality his in-laws provide and not assume it is expected.  Sometimes in-laws may go above and beyond to please their damaad and  as a typical guy’s personality he may not even realize that, hence limiting his appreciation for the amount of effort put into pleasing him.

He too should know that his in-laws miss their daughter/sister and that she is still an integral part of their household. Just because she is married does not mean she no longer should contribute to her family.

Rather a good damad will not only appreciate the vital role she plays in his family but encourage her to provide any sort of support for her own family as well.

Does your husband fits the description above? If so, then please message me your mother-in-law’s contact info so I can get some pointers.

As for the rest of the boy-mamas, I say we dust off our akhlaq books and sit our boys down and drill it into their tiny brains.  Our upbringing may serve as a means to attain Jannah, Insha’Allah.

Meanwhile I am accepting applications for daughter-in-laws. (My son’s two but gotta start early these days!).

Something for boy-mamas to think about….


14 thoughts on “Raising a Damaad

  1. Masha’Allah what a great article about something that’s not talked about too often! If every mother-in-law has your way of thinking then the world will be a very happy, drama-less place 🙂

  2. LOL bajo, your last sentence made me giggle 😀 I LOVED your post; as soon as I saw the title I said to myself, “YES! Finally someone is going to talk about this!!!” I think you hit some really good points. It’s really much more demanding to be a daughter in law in our culture. InshaAllah I know you’ll make an amazing mother in law…you’ll be cool to hang out with, and you’ll give her awesome advice at the same time 🙂

  3. Yea love the article mashAllah everything you said is completely true. Just make dua that Allah swt helps us to raise pious, God-conscious children its such a tough as it is. Being great sil’s wil only be a natural sidewffect

  4. I literally laughed out loud at the Jinn part! Great piece abeer! You brought up the taboo optic in our culture! It’s upto us with sons to change these traditions/practices/expectations passed on from generation to generation! Inshallah!!!

    • I would first check to see if she was speaking generally (like I was) or was it specifically geared towards my son, in that case I would have to speak to him and hopefully improve the situation! It may sound too good to be true, but I really do hope I live up to my word insha’Allah!

  5. You are a beautiful writer – may Allah continue to inspire you with great ideas to write about just like this one! It’s a thought-provoking topic and I think every woman can connect with that fear that once they get married how they will adjust to the different expectations and yet still preserve their own identity – and your discussion about shared responsibility of both partners was insightful- jazakAllah for sharing! 🙂

  6. Loved this!!! You would think this wouldn’t be a problem
    in today’s time but it’s still there, maybe just not as bad, subhanAllah. Definitely will be part of my “life’s lessons” for my son! iA.

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