In Sickness and in Health

 

Does perfect health make a marriage?

I recently heard of a gentleman who is mighty fine looking, highly educated and not to mention living a well to do lifestyle (in other words ‘well-set’). Who would think such a brother is  having a difficult time in getting married?

Well….he is.

The reason is he limps when he walks.

Does this disqualify him from being a suitable match? He has everything going for him, his looks, fun personality, education and financial success.  So should something like that get in the way?

I know of others (both men and women) who are also good looking, highly educated and successful people who have certain ongoing health problems which are becoming a hindrance in their marriage search.

These individuals are loving and living life to the fullest on a daily basis, but because of medications or treatments prospects get scared and immediately turn them down.  It breaks my heart when I hear of such cases and can’t stop thinking about it.  Can I blame the potential prospects for turning them away? Or are they too quick to say no?  For the brother who limps, I cannot imagine why he would get rejected unless his prospects are embarrassed of him.

I can understand people being reluctant when it comes to proposals with health issues.  People worry about fertility and the concern of having to ‘take care’ of their ‘ill’ spouse.  It is human nature to be afraid of the ‘unknown’.

However, if there is a spark and an instant connection between the guy and girl, then there should be no concern. Many Islamic books have mentioned that a good marriage can overcome any hurdle, but a bad marriage would be a life-long hurdle in itself.

For the married couples, we all know marriage is not just a matter of two people playing house.  Looks can only take you so far, and we know that money does not fill a void.  Marriage is a commitment that should be tied with love, trust and mutual understanding.  Often times we know of couples who are living dull and loveless lives. The only thing tying them together is their children.

Certain people are indeed given tests and trials that are clearly beyond their control. Do these people who have exceptional circumstances or cases have no hope of getting married?
People with health challenges may end up having a better perspective on life due to the various tests and trials they had to go through.  Such tests may humble a person, thus making them better spouses.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why prospects or their parents may not want to consider individuals with health conditions. However, for those who accept these people for the way they are, then in my book they are pious people.  Such people have a strong eman and know that whatever test they may be put through, with the help of Allah SWT they will get through it.

So on the notion of marriage searching for people with health conditions, how should they go about it? Should they mention their conditions prior to even meeting their prospects? or should they first create an impression so people can look past their health challenges?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, hence the blog post! 🙂

Something to think and respond about…

10 thoughts on “In Sickness and in Health

  1. marriage in itself is such a challenge that anything extra adds on to it. In this case having to deal with a spouse’s unstable health and a possible unstable marriage, this only further complicates things which puts both of them in a situation that they cannot handle. For the person who has a condition, marriage might be an added on stress (having to manage their health and the responsibilities that come with marriage).

  2. Finding a good spouse is a challenge for many people. So should you rule out someone who may have health challenges really depends on each unique circumstance. These days many health conditions are manageable and can be worked around with certain precautions. So to disqualify someone if everything else seems good on their condition may not be fair. Again though it is a complex situation and both parties should be open and honest from the start.

  3. Sadly, people reject great proposals just because they don’t think the other is good looking or beautiful… So rejecting them for an illness or health issues is not surprising 🙁 easy for us to say since we are happily married and all but if I was in that situation, not sure if I’d do the same? Easier said than done. Feel bad for both parties.

  4. Takbir Abeer…I LOVE your post and for bringing up something that most people don’t talk about! We know we all have rejected someone for things they may not be able to change about themselves. But although I see both sides of the story, I think the main problem I have with those that reject people based on health issues is this: are WE perfect? Do WE know what health problems WE will have in the future? Do WE know what health problems WE currently may have but that have not yet been uncovered? Some diseases are dormant until some environmental or other factor triggers it and causes it to become active. The attitude that someone is not “perfect enough” is arrogance, and arrogance is Shaytaan. So before people start eliminating potential proposals simply because of health problems, I would ask them to fear Allah (swt) and realize that they have NO IDEA what lies ahead for them. For example, a girl rejects Brother A because he has a limp, despite him being a pious, successful, handsome person. Instead, she marries Brother B, a successful, handsome person who is also pious. They are happily married for a year, and then BAM! Brother B is in a car accident and is paralyzed for life. Now she’s going to have to struggle to take care of her husband and support him in a way FAR MORE involved than she would ever have had to do with Brother A.

    See what I mean? No one ever knows what is coming ahead and what Allah (swt) has decreed for you. I’m not saying we should accept all and not be realistic about what we can handle. If you feel someone’s health issues are too much for you to handle, than that is a fair enough reason to reject them. Perhaps you are not strong enough to handle that problem (remember, Allah only puts us through what we are strong enough to handle). So tell the person, “I really admire your strength and I know Allah will find you someone strong so that you both can travel through life supporting each other. Unfortunately, I’m just not strong enough.”

    • you really hit the point! We have no idea what our future holds for us and therefore should be fearful of our words and interactions with people. You also knew how to give the perfect reply to the person who would not be able to handle it. Jazak Allah khair!

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum, thank you Abeer for broaching this subject!

    I have health problems and honestly didn’t think for one moment I would ever marry. Of all my sisters, I was – obviously – the one no-one approached my father for, with marriage in mind. I accepted my lot, after all this is what Allah decreed, and comforted myself with the thought that maybe Allah has better plans for me in the hereafter *inshaAllah*

    So you can imagine my surprise when in my mid-40s, I was introduced to a brother who was actually interested…and more than that, wanted to marry me! Of course, right off the bat, I told him my problems…and his response? “Those are not ‘problems’…that is from Allah”. He was seriously nonplussed that I would even raise the issue with him subhanaAllah.

    Yes, we did marry. And two years down the line, we are very happy, in-love and my health has never been better! Alhamdulillah 🙂

    • SubhanAllah…thank you for sharing this with all of this! May Allah (swt) reward you for your patience, and grant ease to all those who experience(d) similar situations! I’m glad you found your Mr. Right 😀

  6. Congratulations Nadia, Alhamdulillah Allah SWT had something good in store for you.

    Everyone has brought up important points on both sides all of which are not wrong.

    I want to talk a little bit from a parent’s perspective.

    Every parent worries about their kids even before their life in this world has begun and dream of one day finding the “perfect” life long partner for their son or daughter.

    One little misjudgement and they will never forgive themselves for what their child will potentially endure.

    So as parents do they ask for medical background check for the guy or girl (even though both sides should be honest about anything they know about)?

    What if they find out their son/daughter or their son in law/daughter in law to be has some sort of incurable medical condition after they get engaged, or right before they are to get married?

    Should they back out or give the other family a way out? Let the two are going to be spending their lives together decide?

    This is a really tough situation..M put it right..Allah SWT only gives us what we can handle and our Iman has to be at the right level to be able to successfully persevere through the hills and valleys of such a situation.

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