You think you know yourself…till you hit motherhood. Motherhood is the ultimate test of your love, patience, wisdom, emotions and of course your sanity.
Eesa was going through a terrible three’s tantrum phase. He became quite difficult to deal with especially with me being pregnant. I decided he needed to go to a daycare type program where he can socialize and interact with others.
Since he is a bit behind in speech and comprehension I didn’t think he was quite ready for pre-school. Daycare seems to be a nice transition from home-to-school. I thought circle time and play time with snacks in between would prepare him well for pre-K.
The thought of him being gone from anywhere between two to five hours seemed amazing to me. It would be my break time, my “me” time. I can concentrate on my part-time job, get my cooking and cleaning done, finish errands here and there and hey maybe even pick up a hobby or two if I managed my time well.
I was drooling thinking about all the time I would have, if you’re a mom then you know how much you can accomplish in a few hours. The world was waiting for me.
My mother thought it was ironic how ecstatic I was about Eesa starting daycare. I guess a full time toddler and a rough first trimester really drains you.
The night before his first day of daycare, I was just looking at him sleeping. When kids are sleeping, they look so innocent. I instantly started to think, what if the daycare provider didn’t understand him and his own unique language. She wouldn’t know that “mankin” actually meant “napkin”, “gadget” meant jacket, and “munk” meant kumbul (urdu word for blanket).
I started to get worried and wondered if I was rushing into this. The other part of me told me it is a part of life and this is actually good for him and would give him something to do.
As I was driving, I told myself the plan would be to bring him in and stay awhile till he gets settled and then casually leave. It would be smooth and easy on the both of us, or so I thought.
Well first off, that plan was not how day care protocol worked. I walked in and the DCP (day care provider) told me that I should make it fast and leave.
I looked at her astonished. “leave in front of him? just like that?”
”I know he’s going to cry a little bit but he’ll be ok, thats the best method,” she exclaimed!
I began to panic, he would cry and I wouldn’t be able to do it. I desperately began to look around the room and saw ABC magnets, I quickly pointed them out to Eesa. As soon as he went towards them, I made a run for it. I could hear him turn around and follow me but I didn’t look back.
One of the most difficult things I have ever done.
I walked out of there extremely upset and could not believe I just left my son like that. All I could think about is how long he would cry for and would he be ok?
I called my sister for some comfort and of course she didn’t pick up, I call my mother and lo and behold Bob picks up (Side Note: I call my parents Amy and Bob, short for Ammy and Baba).
I told him what happened and his response was
“yeah yeah been there done that, what you think we didn’t get upset when we used to drop you guys off? especially your sister, she used to cry and cry, it would break our hearts, but they get over it, its a part of life, you can’t keep him at home.”
Count on Bob to tell it like it is.
I was tempted to text the DCP and ask about Eesa, but I didn’t want to be one of those moms. Psh, well why not be one of those moms? He’s three for crying out loud!
Needless to say I did end up texting and he was doing fine, he cried for a bit and then started playing–Alhumdulilah. The DCP was super sweet and understanding.
I, then realized this was the first step to letting go. For two hours that day I did not know what Eesa was doing. To go from knowing their minute by minute schedule to not knowing what they’re up to for 120 minutes is a pretty big deal. Right now he’s gone for a few hours, then next year it’ll be six hours, then extra-curricular activities, then they might go away for college and you don’t see them for days maybe even weeks. Lastly, they get married and then you’re officially out of the loop.
At that point, I would like to think I’ll be travelling the world and sipping on some virgin strawberry daiquiris in Sicily, but seeing as how being away two hours is tough, I can’t imagine more than that.
As Bob puts it, it’s a part of life